Parenthood: A Rewarding Sacrifice?
Posted on Oct 6, 2012 by Trevor in Being Dad, Religion
One missionary conference some time in the middle of my two-year service, my mission president was painting a picture of the eternities for us. He described the Celestial Kingdom as a time and place that seemed much like the work we were doing right then as missionaries: saving souls, serving others, preaching and teaching, etc. A skeptical thought crossed my mind. “Doing this for the rest of eternity sounds a lot more like Outer Darkness than Celestial Kingdom.” I mean, don’t get me wrong, because there were certainly deeply rewarding moments on my mission, and I’m glad I did it. But on the whole it was very grueling and filled with hundreds of hours of ineffective, discouraging work. The knowledge that I only needed to endure it for two years was a big motivator on many occasions.
Sacrifice Can Be Exhausting!
A recent Elder’s Quorum discussion on the topic of “sacrifice” provoked some thoughts along these lines. “I’ve wondered if the lower kingdoms would be more like a vacation compared to the highest kingdom,” one elder commented, only slightly tongue-in-cheek.
Then I commented that I’d felt the same way about this understanding of heaven. Eternal work? I mean, I don’t want to sit on my butt all day, but I lean much more favorably towards what we nickname “eternal rest”, if you catch my drift.
But is my present attitude simply the result of selfish elements in my soul? That’s to say, as I become a better person with more Christlike attributes, will I gain a higher level of enjoyment and satisfaction from serving others? Will the activities to which I hesitate to give my commitment today become the activities I absolutely live for? I tried to have a good attitude on my mission (and for the most part I think I did), but if my heart had been stronger, would the overall experience have been better?
Put a gun to my head and I’ll probably confess that ultimately I do feel satisfied after helping someone, yet I still hedge over the notion of “wearing myself out in service to others.”
King Benjamin’s well-known discourse in the Book of Mormon counsels us to commit to serving others. But he cautions us to “see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.”
I wonder if the strength that I am able to summon will increase greatly as I make improvements to my character. Perhaps my love for my fellow man is just too underdeveloped at the moment. Maybe my clouded, mortal mind constrains my ability to think well in the long term. If I had that long-term perspective, I’d more readily turn over my selfish desires because I know that short-term, cheap thrills would never bring me (or others) the same enrichment and satisfaction that loving, generous friendship could.
A Father’s Sacrifice
Over the last few years, and especially over the last several months, I’ve spent lots of time pondering my impending dad-hood. A key question I’ve asked myself is if the decision to become a parent is ultimately a selfish one. Maybe I want posterity. Maybe I want someone to prolong my legacy. I want a little play toy. I want a fashion accessory. I want to fit in with my friends who all have kids. I want something to be proud of. I want my kid to become a rich and famous basketball player to take care of me when I’m older. I want someone to help out around the farm. I want…
That’s selfish, right? Well, I once posed the same question to a friend, father of two. He almost choked on his drink. “Selfish?! Being a parent is about the hardest, most selfless thing I’ve had to do!”
I totally get that perspective as well. I’m under no illusion whatsoever that being Superdad is a walk in the park. I fully expect to be challenged as a parent beyond anything I’ll see in my career.
So I try to disentangle the reasons I wanted to become a dad. Why? There are so many intertwined, contradictory, ambiguous factors. Some are selfish. Some are noble. Some are naive. Some are wise.
I feel like being a good parent will be the single most rewarding thing into which I can invest my time. If I can rear a few kids who know that I put my best effort into being dad, I think I’ll be at peace. My children, over their lifetimes, will likely do things that make me feel somewhat embarrassed, and things that make me beam with pride. I hope to see them develop their own, unique personalities and life out their dreams.
Returning to the topic of sacrifice, I’ve heard it said that the sacrifices we want to make are those that exchange smaller things for bigger things. I have faith that parenthood epitomizes this concept as well as anything else one can do in life. It will make me, my wife, and my kids better people. It will draw us closer together and teach us lessons we couldn’t learn elsewhere. It will be exemplify the core human experience of loving and being loved. A miniature version of the Mormon concept of Zion.
So on those days when the only reason I’m being a good dad is because I don’t want to go to prison for strangling my kid, I hope I will remember the “rewarding sacrifice” motive that was a huge source of my decision to become a dad in the first place.
